Aftermath (2 weeks since I left recovery)

Goodmorning, I guess.

Last night I stayed up, manically recorded a song video I am now self-conscious of, smoked a bowl, ate too much food, and went to bed SUPER full around 3:30am.

Woke up from dreams about old musician friends all crammed into a damp cabin, crashing on couches in messy rooms. Isn’t that how this life feels sometimes.

It’s been a couple weeks since I left the ED recovery program. “Recovered” life hasn’t been as flawless as I’d fantasized. I’m still sensitive to the same triggers of stress, anxiety, anger and shame. I’m still prone to overeat at night if I under-eat throughout the day. I’m not sure how to reconcile bodily dissatisfaction with a relatively exercise-free lifestyle without total relapse.

As a musician, I struggle with my age; uber young stars in print and online stare at me with the power of youth. I make a voice recording and hear pitch issues and mediocrity. I want to channel my insecurities down old funnels, burning fat and cash to fill a bottomless hole. Be skinny. Wear fancy clothes. Dream of power. Run run run.

Two days ago I made the monumental decision to put my solo career first in my life. Aka, I quit the band. A couple more months of playing to give them time to replace me, and I will be on my own.

Now I feel insane pressure to thrive in other musical endeavours. For professional reasons I have to keep quiet about band dynamics that lead to me leaving, instead telling people that it’s a career move. Yeah, I guess it’s a career move, in the sense that I need self-esteem and freedom of expression in order to enjoy life, and was hitting a major wall with that in the band. Is it a practical career move? I don’t know. But I felt I had no choice, and have no regrets.

What do you do with anger? Where is the release?

I watched an episode of Wilfred last night that preaches losing your temper as a healthy release of anger. I disagree. But I also have a ten-year history of bulimia that has links to anger and shame management, so I don’t trust my instincts.

I suspect yoga will help. Always seems to.

Anyone else know how to deal with anger?

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One thought on “Aftermath (2 weeks since I left recovery)

  1. Rach! I have very similar feelings with writing, and much of my hesitation in editing my poetry comes from my trust in my process and that even if it doesn’t sound perfect the first time around, It’s most honest then anyway. I also have been submitting my work to publishers. No one very important has said yes to any yet. But, my core feelings tell me that if I wanted to write a poem to be publishable, I could. It comes down to some annoying formula of modernity and edginess and vagueness. I was told by one editor that my poems are very prosey and more like stories than poetry, to which she sent me the definition of prose vs poetry. I don’t know. I feel that there is a real flatness to hipster, young, flashy lol YOLO Art that is made. Halifax, toronto, Montreal… Full of young people making strange inaccessible art that is sooo ego driven and belly tops and black lipstick. It makes me sick to think of how interrelated consumerism and “art” can be.

    I feel you. Your words are ringing true here. I don’t have much anger. I experience fear, doubt and sadness and irritability above all. Maybe irritability is anger.
    You’re so very intelligent and it’s going to isolate you, as you know. But you gotta work with you. You’re beautiful. Fuck age. The twenty two year old yolo babes on stage are confused and lonely too.

    Lastly, I am so relieved to have read your post about feeling like stability doesn’t make good grounds for creativity and passion. Omgggg I feel that. It’s so devastating. Part of me believes that once I get past my addiction to new romance, all is possible. I feel very supported and loved. And I feel that my writing and whatever I choose to do can only get better, really. And then once I can focus on truth behind emotional instability, maybe that’s where the burning forces lie.

    End novel.

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