Goodmorning, I guess.
Last night I stayed up, manically recorded a song video I am now self-conscious of, smoked a bowl, ate too much food, and went to bed SUPER full around 3:30am.
Woke up from dreams about old musician friends all crammed into a damp cabin, crashing on couches in messy rooms. Isn’t that how this life feels sometimes.
It’s been a couple weeks since I left the ED recovery program. “Recovered” life hasn’t been as flawless as I’d fantasized. I’m still sensitive to the same triggers of stress, anxiety, anger and shame. I’m still prone to overeat at night if I under-eat throughout the day. I’m not sure how to reconcile bodily dissatisfaction with a relatively exercise-free lifestyle without total relapse.
As a musician, I struggle with my age; uber young stars in print and online stare at me with the power of youth. I make a voice recording and hear pitch issues and mediocrity. I want to channel my insecurities down old funnels, burning fat and cash to fill a bottomless hole. Be skinny. Wear fancy clothes. Dream of power. Run run run.
Two days ago I made the monumental decision to put my solo career first in my life. Aka, I quit the band. A couple more months of playing to give them time to replace me, and I will be on my own.
Now I feel insane pressure to thrive in other musical endeavours. For professional reasons I have to keep quiet about band dynamics that lead to me leaving, instead telling people that it’s a career move. Yeah, I guess it’s a career move, in the sense that I need self-esteem and freedom of expression in order to enjoy life, and was hitting a major wall with that in the band. Is it a practical career move? I don’t know. But I felt I had no choice, and have no regrets.
What do you do with anger? Where is the release?
I watched an episode of Wilfred last night that preaches losing your temper as a healthy release of anger. I disagree. But I also have a ten-year history of bulimia that has links to anger and shame management, so I don’t trust my instincts.
I suspect yoga will help. Always seems to.
Anyone else know how to deal with anger?